“Oh Tommy!” Mummy said, “It’s okay. Mummy is here. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.”

At this moment, Tommy cried even louder. “You fall down on this floor?” Mummy tried to calm down her son. “Okay, mummy hit this floor for you!”

Piak! Piak! Mummy hit the floor hard with her hand. In fact, Mummy hit it until her hand turned red. Tommy sat on Mummy’s hip, watching her hitting the floor. But later, he joined Mummy and hit the floor himself…

“I hit you! I hit you!” Mummy pretended to get angry. “You let Tommy fall down. Bad floor. I hit you!” Eventually Tommy stopped crying. Mummy was relieved.

Sounds familiar to you?

I’m not sure about other culture. But we Chinese has the tendency to do this hit-the-floor action to calm down crying kid due to a fall. This idea should have been passed down through many generations.

A simple and innocent action it may seem. But do you know this little act sets the early path for your kid’s character destruction?

Usually, most parents don’t care much about how their simple action affect their kid.  “My kid is still small”, they thought. “I will teach him later when he grows up.”

However, this is often too late. Bending and setting a new growth direction for a young sprout is easy. But bending the trunk of a grown up tree is impossible.

What will your kid learn when you do this hit-the-floor stuff?

The floor had been sitting still for many years. And one day, your kid walked on it and fell down accidentally. Suddenly, the floor became the culprit and got hit by you and your kid.

So firstly, your kid learned he can blame others for his own mistake. Worse still, he can hit it too! Mummy is doing that. So this should be the right thing to do.

When your kid get used to hitting the floor when he falls, you may realize something new. Let say you are cooking in the kitchen and your kid is playing in the living room. Suddenly, he has a light fall. He barely feel any pain. And your kid doesn’t cry at all.

But then, he may walk to you and point to the living room. He brings you to the spot he fell down and asks you to hit the floor!

“Oh!” You got it. “You fall down, isn’t? Okay, Mummy hit the floor for you!”

“I hit you! I hit you!”

There you are, performing your magic act again. Your kid joins you hitting the floor. After a while, your kid continues with his activity and you are relieved once again. You may feel proud too.

But what your kid has just learnt? Revenge!

Imagine what character your kid would develop when he grows up?

What can you do when you kid falls down?

When your kid falls down and cries, kneel down besides him but don’t touch him first. Let him cry for a while. Sometimes, little kid may get shocked when falling down. We should give them some time to calm down on that spot.

Then, tell your kid: “It is okay boy. You are alright. Now stand back up yourself. I know you can do it.”

When your kid slowly stands up again on his own, his crying should gradually reduce. He would concentrate more on standing up rather than his pain. And when he stands up again, you can slowly give him a hug and say: “Good boy. I know you can do it. I love you. Next time remember to be more careful.”

An extra step

Mr Ling, the founder for Deep Level Communication (DLC) suggests an extra step for your kid. Ask him to say sorry to the floor (or table if he hits the table).

Your kid may ask you, “Why should I say sorry to the floor? It doesn’t even feel the pain.”

You can answer, “You are not the floor. How do you know the floor is not in pain?”

With patience, encourage your child to face the floor and apologize. For example, he can look at the floor and say, “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry…” Treat the floor as a living being.

After this step, some parent may realize an unbelievable change to their kid. Let say your kid’s head hits the floor and develops a bump on it. From your experience, he would need 1 or 2 days for the bump to disappear completely. But after your child’s sincere apology to the floor, his bump may disappear in as short as a few hours.  Believe it or not?

This final step is an extra suggestion where you may want to try. But remember that above suggestion is only for light fall. If your child bleeds with serious injuiry, do you still want to say to him: “Come on! Stand up on your own! I know you can do it!” I hope you know what is the appropriate action to take.

What is the lesson?

For this recommended action, what will your child learn?

• Have the courage to stand up again after we fall down
• Take full responsibility for our own action
• Learn from our mistake
• Apologize when we hurt others

Now you may ask, “Can my child learn all these? He is still a small kid!”

Believe me, your child can. He is absorbing and learning much more than we think.

Final note

Remember to always treat your children with love, respect and patience. If you only show your greatest love and care only when he falls down, one problem may arise. Your child will fall down often to get your attention and love. And you will be very busy.

If your kid only has a very light fall without knocking anything, pretend nothing happens. Soon, he will stand up again and continue playing.

But if you rush to him and cry, “My dear! What happen to you? Are you hurt? Oh! Mummy’s heart is so in pain to see you fall.” If you act as if your kid has broken a bone, he will cry as loud as he can!

Being a parent is not easy. I hope you can realize how your little action matters a lot to your children. And this includes your other daily interaction with them too.

My friend is a song writer. He sings for his baby every night until his baby sleeps. With this, he hopes to cultivate baby’s artistic sense. Maybe baby will become a renown artist when he grows up. However, he unknowingly cultivates a habit for his baby – the habit of listening to his daddy’s song before sleeping.

When he goes outstation to other city, they have a problem. Baby couldn’t sleep without listening to his song!  His wife and mother-in-law have difficulty in bringing his baby to sleep. Baby keeps crying and couldn’t sleep.

This is just one example

Some parents gently pat baby’s butt to let her sleep. After some time, baby couldn’t sleep without butt patting! So daddy or mummy has to keep patting baby even they’re very tired.

Some parents gently swing their baby with their arm or rocker bed. So baby always want to be swung. The habit of sucking pacifier or thumb may be hard to get rid of too.

If you seldom wash baby’s pillow cover, baby may get used to her scent on the pillow. So you have to use that particular pillow for your baby all the time. When you bring baby out for travel, remember to bring her pillow! Even when your children has grown up to an adult, she may still want the same pillow to sleep!

Controlling baby sleeping time

Sleeping time can be a habit for baby too. As parent, we are most afraid of baby who wakes up and cries at night. Baby may sleep a lot in day time and eyes wide open at night. What to do about this?

As for some parents, we initially were afraid to wake baby up when he is sleeping. We just let baby sleeps until he wakes up and cries for milk. This way, baby control his sleeping time, not us. Here’s a tip I got recently.

If baby sleeps at 11pm to 12am, here is what you can do. At 6 to 7 pm, wake baby up for a while. You can clean her face, massage her body or play a while with her. Just let baby stays awake. After that, she may continue to sleep. But at around 11pm, wake her up again to feed her milk.

Baby usually sleeps after she is full. Continue this routine at the predetermined time everyday. Gradually, your baby will follow your timetable.

I hope this article can make it easier for you to take care of baby in the future.

Blame not

Never blame anyone no matter what happens! This is the first rule of thumb. Blaming others create argument. Blaming others create pressure. Blaming others create resentment.

Here are a few examples…

• Mary asked her husband to fetch her back home but he was late for 15 minutes. She said to her husband, “Why are you so late? I’ve been waiting for you for so long!”

• Peter, a 60-year-old man got sick and was admitted to hospital for several days. His grown up children didn’t visit him. After he recovered, he told his children, “You don’t seem to care for dad anymore. You didn’t even visit me when I was in hospital. I guess you won’t even bother whether I’m dead or alive!”

• Susy, a 21-year-old year was having a difficult time in her life. She just went abroad to study and hadn’t get used to the new environment. She didn’t have any friend. She couldn’t eat well and couldn’t sleep well too. Of course, Susy was very sad and depressed. Her family didn’t seem to care much. So Susy called her parents and said, “Do you know how bad I feel right now? Why can’t you call me more often to comfort me? This is what I need most.”

From all above examples, we can sense a strong blaming attitude. You can easily guess what kind of conversation follows and how others feel. It certainly doesn’t feel good for everyone.

Who owes you?

From the moment of your birth, no one owes you anything. Your parents take care of you because they love you. Your husband takes care of you because he loves you. Of course you have to thank them for everything they have done for you.

What if they don’t care for you? Well, they don’t have to in the first place. It’s their choice. They don’t owe you anything. So how can you blame them for this? What makes you think they should do what you wanted them to do?

In the above example, Mary’s husband was late. Who says her husband must, should or have to fetch her? Peter’s children didn’t visit him in hospital. Who says his children must, should or have to visit him? Susy’s parents didn’t call her to comfort her. Who says her parents must, should or have to call her?

Can you get rid of the thought that others must, should or have to do certain thing for you? If you can, you won’t blame others if they don’t do it. Instead, you will appreciate them if they really do it for you.

Thank you

The opposite of blaming is appreciation. “Thank you” is one of the most important phrase for creating a healthy relationship with others. No one owes you anything. So if someone do something for you, thank them from the bottom of your heart!

In the above example, Mary can say, “After waiting for 15 minutes, I thought you have forgotten to fetch me. But finally you did come! I guess you didn’t forget me. Thank you honey!”

Peter can say, “I’m glad to see you all again. I really miss you all especially when I was in the hospital.”

Susy can call her parents and say, “Daddy and mummy, I want to let you know how I miss you over here. I’m having quite a difficult time over here. But with your support and encouragement, I’m sure I can pull myself through smoothly.”

See… no blame! Only appreciation… and a little hint 

Law of attraction

You should have heard of the law of attraction. When you have blaming thoughts, you will further attract other negative happenings for you to blame. But when you have appreciation thoughts, you will attract other positive happenings for you to say thank you.

This is very important. So remember that to have a healthy relationship…

Blame not. Thank more.

Imagine waking up every hour or two at night to feed baby. In day time, we have to respond to each baby’s cry. Did baby pee or poop? Is baby hungry? Is baby uncomfortable? Most of our time is taken up by baby. And there is still many years ahead of us to raise our child.

A parent will always give the best to their children. And a parent will sacrifice themselves for their children sake.

All this let me have this thought. As a children, we really have no right to:

• talk rudely to our parent
• get angry with our parent
• blame our parent

A mother’s heart

Faye Wong was my favorite singer from Hong Kong. She once said that after having a daughter, she understood how her mother felt for her. Only then she understood a mother’s love for her child.

When you’re young, you may wonder:

• why your parent care too much for you
• why your parent worry so much about you
• why your parent was so upset with the words you say to them

Don’t worry. You will know the answer after you become a parent yourself.

What is filial?

Dr Lee said filial is not taking your parent out for a good meal. And filial is not bringing your parent out for travelling abroad.

What is true filial? It is not letting your parent worry. It is not letting your parent upset.

Will you exchange your life for…

When I was a teenager, another thought came to my mind. If a situation arises where I can only choose to keep my life or my mother’s life, which will I choose? Will I let my mother die for me to stay alive? Or will I sacrifice myself to let my mother stay alive?

Without hesitation, my answer was to sacrifice myself for my mother. She gave me life. And I should return it back for her.

What about exchanging my life for my father’s life? Yes I will. He gave me life. And I should return it back for him.

Then I asked myself, “What about exchanging my life for one of my brother or sister?” No I won’t.

I have two younger sisters and two younger brothers. What about exchanging my life for all my brothers and sisters? Without hesitation, my answer was “Yes, I will.”

Recently I came across a secret on how you can get along better with your children. And I’m going to share it with you now. So listen carefully…

There are 3 golden rules here and you must follow each rule carefully in order to make it works.

Rule No. 1: Never control your children

Rule No. 2: Never control your children

Rule No. 3: Never, never ever control your children

Think about it… Do you always try to control your children? Do you arrange for your children what they should do, when they should do it and what they shouldn’t do? Do you get angry and scold your children if they don’t follow your instruction?

It’s normal to care for your children and wish for the best for them. But do you really listen to what your children have to say? Do you really listen to them as if they are the King? Do you really listen to them without interruption and comment?

Now, you have two ears. Go ahead and ask your children…

• Do they like what you arrange for them? Do they really like it?
• How do they feel about this family?
• How do they feel about you?
• Are they happy now?
• What are they hoping for?

When you listen to them, remember to shut your mouth! You can only say these words:

• Uh-huh…
• Then…
• I understand…
• I see…
• Yes…

When they finish talking, you can say, “Thanks for telling me all these.” Smile…

Most of the time, you will realize what your children think is way different from what you thought is in their mind. As a parent, you must respect their thinking. Spiritually, they are on the same level as you. They can feel what you feel. They clearly know what is happening around them.

Never think your children are just small kids and don’t know anything. It’s just their physical limitation that makes them difficult to express themselves.

Even if you’ve done anything wrong or let them down, you must apologize to them. When you learn how to respect your children, they will respect you in return.

So remember to listen to them. Listen carefully to their words and its hidden meaning.